Every other morning, from 7:15 until 8:45 am, eight girls and I gather to discuss Laura Esquivel's Como agua para chocolate (Like Water for Chocolate) and share snacks. Today it was mud-pie cookies, homemade by Caitlin. Glynis is making coffee cake for Tuesday.

The class is chaotic to say the least. Eight 15-18 year old girls have a lot to say, and most of it doesn't have anything to do with Tita, Rosaura, and the other characters in our book. Then there are moments when the dream Olivia had last night or the strange man Sophia encountered at work pop right up into the text and somehow the story is more relevant and more real because of it.

I've stopped envisioning the class as I did and begun to accept the "advisory group" that is emerging around those tables. Some days I feel like I'm leading a girls' support group- support for your life, which at that age seems to be nearly impossible. There will be other teachers to drill the subjunctive with them, but when again will Laura have another chance like this? And when will I?

Hopefully sooner rather than later. I see now how this class is preparing me from what is to come- preparing me to listen instead of talk all the time, to let go of a little control and receive what is happening. It's preparing me to value each of Ali and Claire's questions as precious, even when they seem silly. It's preparing me to really hear what Zoe is saying about her Israeli and Russian family, and take it in as a priceless key to understanding not just her but those who come to the table with a unique cultural perspective.

Thank you, my sweet girls, for what you are teaching me about Peru without knowing it, and for the meaning you add to my days. And thank you, Lord, for the gift you are giving me in them.

Yesterday our friends Mark and Jessica came over for lunch. We sat out on the porch for three hours talking about what we could do to reach out to people in our neighborhood- lend a helping hand where needed, offer connection and community, cast vision and hope for lives that crave it. Strange timing since Tim and I only expect to be in our house maybe four more months.

This is a strange season all together. I am preparing for ministry. But how can I read these books about loving people and hold back from trying to put into practice everything I am learning? Why would I want to try to hold back? It certainly makes me lament time wasted. I know if I intended to stay in Charlotte, I would be bursting with ideas right now about how to pray "thy Kingdom come, thy will be done in Charlotte as it is in Heaven" with my hands and not just my lips.

Well let me not waste these four months. Last night Tim and I visited a handful of homes on our street and invited people to come over Wednesday night for drinks and discussion. It was the first time that we have done anything like that together (reaching out to new friends), and as socially-challenged as we are, we were nervous wrecks as we left the house. At the same time, there was a fresh excitement about something new and bold and lovely.

PS- We labeled our gathering "Deep Thoughts" on our invitation. Here's the "deep thought" we included to get the mind flowing:

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect." -Jack Handy

The mobilization director at South America Mission recently gave me a "to do" list. This, of course, was at my request, since we're not even appointed and won't be until the end of June (and even that contingent on approval). Anyway, I've been busy. First of all, he recommended an online theological program called Dimensions of the Faith through Gordon Conwell. It basically is the lectures for ten standard seminary courses- free, online, and not for credit. So far I have completed four of them. The first one was my favorite- How to Study the Bible for All Its Worth with Dr. Gordon Fee. It's based on a book he wrote, which I have since bought and would definitely recommend.

He also recommended a list of books, most of which I have never heard of. A whole new niche of Christian literature! Missions! I was pretty shocked (and excited) by my total ignorance of the field. I started at the top of the list with The Purpose Driven Church by Rick Warren. That one I have heard of. You might have too, because the same guy wrote an explosively popular book recently called The Purpose Driven Life. In my arrogance I have avoided it at all costs. Well I was skeptical, to say the least, but I have been duly humbled. It is fascinating, down-to-earth, and provocative. I have been wearing out Tim's ears with my mental digestion.

My biggest question (half way through the book) regards the purpose of my own church, King of Kings. I could easily explain the expressed purpose of the church, but I want to see the season where that becomes the manifest purpose as well, where it's clear to everyone around what our purpose is- without reading it on the church newsletter. I know that if I were staying in Charlotte I would want to be part of working toward that, but I feel like my energies need to be focused right now on my transition from Charlotte. So at the end of my pondering aloud to Tim last night, all that remained for us to do was to pray. And we did.

As for the rest of my list, I don't know more than to start at the top and go down the list. Here it is, if you're interested. Maybe you're more familiar with them than I am:

The Church of Irrisistible Influence, Lewis

The New Global Mission, Escobar

Discipling Nations, D. Miller

If Jesus Were Mayor, Moffitt

Mission as Transformation, Samuel & Sugden, eds.

Cross-Cultural Servanthood, D. Elmer

Ministering Cross-Culturally, Lingenfelter & Mayers

L.A.M.P. (Language Acquisition Made Practical)

Foundations of the Christian Faith, Boice

Know the Truth, Bruce Milne

Run With the Horses, E. Peterson

Hearing God, Dallas Willard

Who am I that He would give me a second chance at this? As I have been reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Life Together, I feel like I can relate my previous clumsy attempts at “Christian ministry” so closely to his description of the human community. I remember how my best love came out more like manipulation. I talked my head off as though I had something important to say, and even my listening was a weak space to re-gather my thoughts and assert my judgments again. Bonhoeffer’s exposition of the contrasts are striking:

Human Community (though often religious)	Christian Brotherhood
1. Comes from the natural urges, powers, and capacities of the human spirit	Created only by the Holy Spirit
2. Basis is the dark, turbid urges and desires of the human mind: desire	Basis is the clear, manifest Word of God in Jesus Christ: truth
3. Men bind others to themselves	God’s Word alone is binding
4. Complete fusion of I and Thou	Releases the other person from every attempt of mine to regulate, coerce, and dominate him with my love
5. Love for my own sake	Love for Christ’s sake
6. Loves as one to whom I bind myself; desire to be irresistible, to rule	Loves you as a free person
7. Makes love an end in itself, to which it must subject everything	Comes from Jesus Christ, serves Him alone
8. Constructs its own image of the other person, of what he is and should become	Recognizes the true image of the other person which he has received from Jesus Christ
9. Speaks to the brother about Christ	Speaks to Christ about the brother
10. Creates human subjection , dependence, constraint	Creates freedom of the brethren under the Word

Lord, grant me the favor to mold and receive Christian brotherhood. Protect me from the lure of power and certainty. Usher me into a ministry of freedom and Spirit-love. I know by now that it’s not my natural instinct. Birth in me something new. For the sake of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Eight weeks left of school or so. I am eager to rush through this last quarter, and then I remember that I don't know what lies on the other side of June 13. What will this next season be like? And what does that mean for this one? Maybe I shouldn't rush through quite so quickly. In a few months, I might be longingly looking back at the stability and purpose of this spring.

What am I doing right now anyway? My heart is fully set on our mission, and although I believe it will be with SAM in Peru, there is no guarantee of that at this point. I feel disconnected and lost, although not lonely. The waiting is hard on my heart.

In the meantime I am reading and learning. That makes it sound peaceful, but I would more likely compare it to a tornado. It's an unfortunate part of my mind, that knowledge to me seems more like something to devour than to digest. So I've spent a lot of time thoughtlessly whipping through pages. Have I learned anything in all of this? Maybe one thing.

"What is most personal is most general." --Henri Nouwen
What do I have to offer to Peruvians but myself? I don't know their culture, and I haven't mastered their language. I don't know what it looks like to live a life of fullness and faith in Peru. But I know what it looks like to be me, to struggle through sand, to come out sometimes on top and sometimes not. The things that seem most specific to me, that I fear no one will really understand, may in fact be the only things I have to offer that are relevant. After all the cultural trappings are stripped away, only the most intimate things are left to bind us together as humans beyond nationality or ethnicity or language.