Ten years ago tonight I was in my dorm room (Little 202) with Ashley, Lauren, and Sheila. I was overwhelmed by this sense that God was doing something new in my life. All week I had been praying that He would change me but knowing that those prayers were meaningless as I looked toward another weekend of carousing and shenanigans. What does Tuesday's devotion mean next to Friday's delinquency?

But Friday didn't bring the delinquency I expected. Out of nowhere, I woke up with a deep peace and an empowered desire to follow God, leaving behind anything that would hinder that pursuit. I had tried it before, and I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. As I poured a few bottles of liquor down the drain, I thought aloud, "If this is just another season of piety, I'm really wasting some good booze."

As it turns out, it wasn't a season. It was a new life. Some call it "conversion," turning from one thing to another. Others (including Jesus in John 3) call it "born again," referring to a spiritual birth. Still others describe it as "becoming a Christian," "giving your life to Jesus," or "accepting Jesus as your Lord and Savior." Whatever it was, it started that night in Little 202, even without my understanding what was going on. I wouldn't claim today that I understand it either, but ten years down the road, I can at least put some words to the experience that has shaped the last decade of my life.

Most of all I know it had to do with giving up. I had tried so many times to be "good enough" for God and fallen flat on my face again and again. It just seemed that I didn't have enough self-control. The reason this time was different was that I stopped trying. I spent all week bemoaning to God that I wasn't good enough and never could be. That's where He stepped in.

Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law, we become conscious of sin. But now, a righteousness from God, apart from the law, has been made known, to which the law and the prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ. Romans 3:20-24

For the first time I realized that Jesus thought of me on the cross, and that if I had been the only person ever to exist, He still would have done it. That central act of Christianity became personal for me. That's what "faith in Jesus" and "believe" are about. I didn't believe the Bible was true, I didn't care about Christian political "hot topics," and I sure didn't know much about righteousness, but I knew that Jesus's death saved me. That was enough.

He forgave me, despite all I had done and the depths of sin in my heart. He filled me with His Spirit and empowered me to do the good I wanted to do but never could sustain. In the end, it was true that I wasn't able to live up to His standards on my own, but living in His strength, I felt a new power for holy living. Paul said it this way: "For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace" (Romans 6:14)

My experience was about surrender more than anything else. Honestly, it hinged on excessive drinking, as trite as that may sound. But the essence of my surrender was a lot deeper than that, and the results blew the top off my life. All of the sudden that "God feeling" that I had experienced before, His presence in a tangible way, was everywhere and all the time. My prayers were answered. I was filled with a new joy. My life had purpose.

I really expected it to go away after a month or so, but that milestone passed a long time ago. Somewhere along the way, I realized that it wasn't a season. It's a life. I still sense His presence here in the jungles of Peru and know that He will not leave me today, tomorrow, or ever. He answers my prayers. He fills me with joy. My life has purpose in Him. This is the first ten years of eternity.

But now that you have been set free from sin, and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:22-23

How do you recognize Lent? Today is Ash Wednesday, the first of 40 days of Lent and an opportunity to kick-start a season of penitence and fasting. My prayer book says it's about self-examination, repentance, prayer, fasting, self-denial, reading and meditating on God's Holy Word. Maybe that doesn't sound fun to you. To me it sounds refreshing.

Today we wrote a newsletter to let all of you out there (or at least those whose emails we have) know what's been going on and what's coming up. It's being proofread this week so you won't get it quite yet. Sneak preview: we're coming home. But you probably knew that.

I've been thinking a lot about our homecoming, which is less than 5 weeks away. I'm not worried about packing up, finding flights, or getting these doggies to Charlotte. Here are some things I am a little concerned about, though.

1. Consumerism. Buying more and more has always been a struggle in my life. Our time in Perú has been a respite from that, but I don't know that I'm any free-er from the temptations that I was before. I fear that when I get back to Charlotte, the desire to accumulate stuff will be worse, not better. Or at least feel worse after all this time with nothing worth buying in sight.
   
   
2. Beauty and self-image. Confession: I don't care what Peruvians think of me, but I really do (or at least did) care what Charlotteans think of me. Stepping into the sea of tall blonds in perfect outfits at Southpark Mall is nearly enough to give me a panic attack. What will it feel like to be somewhere again where I am comparing myself to everyone around me and coming out on the bottom?
   
   
3. You've changed. I love all of you and think I know you so well. What if I don't? What happens now that you have new values, new friends, new perspectives on life? What happens if I don't understand you?
   
   
4. I've changed. What happens if you don't understand me? And let's face it, you probably won't entirely. We've been through a lot of unique experiences over the last two and half years that have shaped and transformed us (for the good or bad remains to be seen I guess!). How can I relate to you now that I have new values, new fears, new friends that you'll never know, new ways of looking at the world?
   
   
5. Kings has changed. Our church is so dear to my heart. From the day I set foot in the door (the first week of Advent in 2000), I knew I was home. What happens now that my home has changed? This is probably one of my biggest fears. King of Kings is about as much of a "home" as I have, but in our time away the pastor has changed, people have come and gone, our role has changed, and probably a lot more. That's scary to me. What if you don't notice me? What if you don't care about me anymore?
   
   
6. The pace of life in the US. Do you want to know a secret? I take an afternoon siesta almost every day. I didn't the last three days and it hurt! What happens when I get home and am thrown back into the rat race, waking up early and staying up late, trying to get everywhere on time, fitting too many things in to one afternoon? Just thinking about it makes me tired.
   
   
7. Condemnation. No, I'm not afraid you'll judge me; I'm afraid I'll judge you. I hear about it all the time, missionaries returning from some other place and seeing US culture with condemning eyes. I don't want to do it. I want to love you and accept your differences, the way I love and accept the differences of people here. I know judgmentalism is my predisposition. What can I do to protect myself?
   
   
8. You won't have time for me. I love the way people here aren't busy and make time for relationships. No one is turning down an ice cream date or rushing out the door the minute you say "Amen" at the end of church. I'm scared I'll get back and you'll be too busy to see me, call me, remember me. I'm scared that your life is too full for me and that you have other priorities that preclude getting together more than once every six weeks.
   
   
9. We've missed your shared experiences. The coldest winter ever with snow on the ground in 50 states! America's first African-American president! A major economic crisis that left many of you struggling! A lot has happened while we've been gone. We've heard about it, but we haven't experienced it with you. Will we understand you without that? 

Our friends J.J. and Amber came from Lima to visit us this past weekend. In honor of their visit and because she's so darn funny, here's some cultural commentary from Amber, via Google Buzz. Thanks for sharing, Amber!

10. i think walking five blocks is a short distance.
when asking directions in lima one will often be told that the desired destination is "lejíííííííísimo" (soooooo faaaaaar). inquire a bit further and the actual distance will be no more than 3-5 blocks.

9. i respect standing in line.
if there is a line, i will take my place at the back of it and patiently wait my turn. i don't wait so patiently when someone cuts in line, as so often happens here.

8. i only have one last name.
latin-americans generally have two last names, one from the father and one from the mother, but the upper tier of elite limeños will often have four, five or even six last names, each of which calls attention to the respectability/richness/status of the named family and will generally proffer more/better opportunities to the one using them. last names are required for purchasing property in the richest neighborhoods of lima and are generally asked for among the upper crust of society as evidence (or lack thereof) of your social status.

7. i do not give money to beggars.
there is much poverty in lima, and i encounter people begging almost every time i leave my house. while this breaks my heart, i do not think my spare change is the best way to help them. i especially will not give money to children. babies and children are sometimes "employed" by beggars precisely because they bring in more money than adults, and i refuse to keep that child on the streets by reinforcing that sort of thinking.

6. i need about two feet of personal space.
peruvians need much less. when standing in line i often feel that the person behind me is "all up on my sack," to quote my husband. the same is true when walking toward someone on the sidewalk. my western mind says, "get out of the way as soon as possible." the peruvian mind seems to say, "walk as long as possible toward the person approaching you, only dodging them at the last moment by as little margin as possible. better yet, wait until they get out of your way."

5. i do not engage in gross (as in outlandish) displays of physical affection.
it is not uncommon to see couples engaging in what i would consider "heavy petting" in public parks and the like all around town. this may or may not stem from the fact that most of them live with their parents until they get married, and public areas are their only chance to engage in said activity.

4. i think the temperature in lima year-round is mild.
limeños, on the other hand, often refer to temperatures during the winter months as freezing (never colder than 60 degrees fahrenheit) and the summer months as insufferable (never hotter than 80 degrees fahrenheit).

3. i do not have a maid and i am not one.
in lima one generally falls into one of these two categories. we do not have a maid. i am not a maid. subcategories are: i do my own grocery shopping. i walk my own dog. i am the one to serve my guests drinks at my parties.

2. i do not like inca cola or chica morrada.
these are the top two non-alcoholic drinks of choice. inca cola is a neon yellow soft drink that tastes something like bubble gum and/or cream soda, and chica morrada is a kool-aidy, cough syrupy drink made from purple corn. when eating in a typical polleria - restaurant where they serve "pollo a la brasa" (delicious charcoal grilled chicken) - half of the restaurant will be drinking inca cola, the other half will be drinking chica morrada, and jj and i will be drinking coke.

1. i am blond.
in my year and a half spent in this city i have only ever met 2 other blonds outside of the expat community, and they were a mother/daughter pair. i will also lump into this category the fact that my skin is white - a white that my spanish teacher pointed out last week is "cien por ciento gringo" (100% gringo) - and i am taller than 5'5".


For my own (Hannah's) part, I'd have to say I agree with most of these. Of course I'm not a blond, and I will admit that I have someone come clean 4 hrs/week. Furthermore, the temperature in Pucallpa is not mild at any time of year! Nonetheless, it's amazing how similar an expat's experience is, in Lima or otherwise.

Amber says she's working on the top ten reasons she's become a limeña. If you're lucky, I'll think of a few ways I've become a Pucallpiña, or at least a Peruana. We'll just have to see how insightful I'm feeling this week.

It's Valentine's Day today, right? I don't think I have seen one indication of that here. That makes a husband's work much harder! He has to actually remember. I guess it's easier in some ways, too. A lot less hype and pressure.

Here are some of our fellow missionaries who have become dear friends! David was in Arequipa with us in late 2007 and early 2008. It's been fun to get to be his neighbor again here in Pucallpa!

I've emailed my cover letter and resume to 21 schools in 3 days and already had one phone interview this morning. I got another response asking me to come by the school at my earliest convenience. I guess I wasn't clear enough about the fact that I'm in Perú. I won't be dropping by Charlotte for a while!

Last night I sent my resume out to six CMS schools, and I already got an exciting email back this morning! It was from one of the new CMS mini-schools within a larger campus, and one that happens to be 1.1 miles from our house. 

The last few weeks I've been busy with women-only group get-togethers. I'm about 80% introvert, so sometimes it can be a little exhausting. Nonetheless, I'm enjoying getting to know both Pucallpiñas and fellow missionaries a little better. 


My little English conversation group is growing! We meet every Thursday at 6 at Cocofruit, which is probably on my top 10 places I'll miss in Pucallpa. They serve amazing fresh juices and smoothies. This week I had a passion fruit/ pineapple smoothie. Yum! My other favorites are guanabana juice and cantaloupe juice.

The two new SAM Academy teachers came along, and we met my friends Evelyn and Elvira there. The third woman, Yvette, is gone on vacation, but we had two new people show interest this week. One is a niece of a friend of mine, who wants to get a job as a flight attendant and needs to practice her English more. Another is the owner of Cocofruit! We invited her to come sit down and chat with us next week.

I've started attending the Mil Palmeras (my church) women's breakfast on Thursday mornings. There are maybe 15-20 women who attend, some regular members and others dropping in to check it out. One person gives a small lesson from the Bible and we share a time of food and fellowship. I'm hoping to invite my (Chilean) neighbor next week. She's not a church-goer, but I think it could be a good way for her to connect with other women in Pucallpa.

Yesterday Amy, Olga and I got together to start the Beth Moore Esther study. I'm pretty excited about Esther but probably more excited to walk through the book with these friends every Friday morning. I think I could really get the hang of this stay-at-home-mom thing. Too bad I don't have kids yet and am about to move back into the 9 to 5 in Charlotte!

Even though it was a week and a half ago, I want to mention what a sweet get-together the SAM (and other) missionary women had at our women's prayer meeting. We got to hear from the four newest women about how they ended up here, and I for one was hugely encouraged by their stories. There's something about sharing our lives that spurs me on to pursue God more. It was definitely a reminder to me that even if I think I like holing up as a hermit, I have to push myself to get out there and drink in the riches of relationship.

1. Is it possible that I'm eager for tomorrow morning to come so that I can get up at 6? Okay maybe it's not so much the getting up as what I get to do: dive deep into God's Word. So far the 28-Day Challenge feels more like a gift than a challenge. I brought home a copy of Kay Arthur's How to Study Your Bible for a refresher course in inductive analysis, and I've been mining the riches of the Sermon on the Mount this week. Awesome.

2. I'm reading Augustine's Confessions (again) for my church history course. Now that I've studied his life and am fairly familiar with his timeline, his Confessions make a lot more sense to me. For some reason this time, his battle with lust and sexual sin is really sticking out to me. Part of him wanted purity, but he found himself unable to resist temptation.

As I read about Augustine's internal battle, I instantly remembered my own ten years ago. I know what it feels like to sense yourself trapped by sin and unable to give it up. I had forgotten, but as I remember now I'm filled with a deep sense of joy and peace. I'll tell you the story in 2 weeks as I celebrate the end of my first decade pursuing Jesus. For today I'll just smile and be grateful.

If there were a school of prayer, I'd be in the nursery still. Maybe it's the pride of self-sufficiency or maybe it's practical atheism. For whatever reason, I'm just not a good pray-er (by that I mean of course that I don't pray often, not that I don't pray "right").

In the past week I've been trying to use some of the "prayer tools" that I learned in 10 years ago. Two of the most successful for me are the ACTS acronym and Beth Moore's Praying God's Word. ACTS stands for Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Supplication. It's a map to guide you through a time of prayer so that you don't forget some of those important parts. Praying God's Word is a book that categorizes Bible verses to pray for different challenges in your life. I've been using them together.

First thing in the morning when I'm trying to think of what to say to God in adoration, sometimes I'm a little stuck. Today I opened up Praying God's Word and read Scriptures aloud about how amazing God is. Several of them came from Psalm 145, so I turned there for some extra credit reading. Wow! I think I'll just stick to Psalm 145 for a while. There's a lot to digest. In particular this morning I was struck by verse 13: The Lord is faithful to all his promises.

Since I don't practice confession very often, sometimes I have a hard time getting going. Usually I like to pray out loud the confession prayer from my Book of Common Prayer. It doesn't take me long before I begin remembering more than a few things I can confess, and I revel in the last few lines about forgiveness in Jesus and a new commitment to obedience.

Most merciful God,

we confess that we have sinned against you

in thought, word, and deed,

by what we have done,

and by what we have left undone.

We have not loved you with our whole heart;

we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. 

We are truly sorry and we humbly repent. 

For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ,

have mercy on us and forgive us;

that we may delight in your will,

and walk in your ways,

to the glory of your Name. Amen.

Didn't Oprah say something once about writing a list every day of 5 things you're thankful for? It's probably a good practice to keep you positive and humble. I've been working at this for a while. No need to stop at 5!

Supplication is asking prayer. Most of the time I think we start here and usually end here. It's good to ask God for what we want and need, but I doubt we'll have a very full relationship with Him if that's all when do when we talk to him.

So that's ACTS. My friend Jenny reminded me this week about listening in prayer. That's a definite weakness of the ACTS prayer, but one that can always be remedied! I want prayer to be a two-way conversation, not a list of things I have to tell God. It's a relationship, right?

A new day, a new week, a new month. As we draw closer and closer to the end of our term here, it feels like I'm getting into new routines. That's a relief, because the last thing I want is to spend all of February and March longing for Charlotte and feeling purposeless. I imagine God knows that and knew just the remedy-- keep me busy! Here are some of the new things on my horizon:

• Teaching Spanish to the two new teachers at SAM Academy
• Getting more serious about my English conversation class with a handful of local women
• Meeting weekly with a few other missionaries to study the book of Esther and encourage one another as we follow Christ
• Committing to rise early to meet with God first thing every morning this month