In this our first year earning TWO SALARIES, we really felt like God had a message for us about our money-- that it can make a difference in the world. I want my life to make a difference. Why wouldn't my money be an extension of that? In August, we set up a fund with the National Christian Foundation, because we knew we wanted to make a regular habit of sacrificial giving, but we didn't know exactly what organizations to support. This year we have found a handful of valuable people and organizations to support on a monthly basis. I want to share them in case anyone else is lost in the sea of mail solicitations....

• David and Langley Cumbie with Young Life in Tanzania
• Josh Stacey with Horizons International in Colorado
• Brandi Belk with Campus Outreach at Wingate University
• Andrew and Maria Schwartz with Campus Outreach at VA Tech
• Ana Victoria Alvarado Casco through Compassion in Nicaragua
• King of Kings Anglican Mission in America church (our church)

Every week this school year we have also given up 4 "real" meals in lieu of a third-world rice and beans dinner. We usually do this for lunch and dinner straight on Mondays and Tuesdays. By the end of four meals of rice and beans, I have two successes: First, that I have $10 extra to give to worldwide hunger relief. Second, that I definitely have more compassion for those who are lucky when they are able to eat rice and beans instead of nothing. So every week, we donate $10 to hunger relief. Here are some of the organizations we have found to be worthwhile.

Worldwide:

• Bread for the World
• Food for the Poor
• The Heifer Project
• Samaritan's Purse

In Charlotte:

• Charlotte Rescue Mission
• Urban Ministry Center
• Charlotte Emergency Housing
• Second Harvest Charlotte

Last night we met the Sircars and Powells for dinner and talked some about our desires and fears for our mission work. How can we be part of growing Kings into a church that loves and serves the world? And how can Kings support us as we make this move? I think the biggest breakthrough for me is that we have every intention of taking King of Kings to Peru with us. We are not leaving our church. After all of this brainstorming and discussion, I feel encouraged. Kings is my family and my home. These are the people who have walked alongside me since I was nine months into this new life of faith. And vice versa. I have watched and been part of this community’s growth and change since our first gathering in November of 2000.

Last night was also a good reminder of what this body of believers feels like outside my age bracket. In my first two or three years at King of Kings, “my age bracket” was pretty much me. It has been so good to see that change and to find at Kings a growing group of young people that have become my closest friends in Charlotte. Nonetheless, this collection of 20 and 30 somethings is only a small part of the family that has supported and encouraged me along the way. In their own seasons, friends may walk closer with you on a daily basis, but mothers have a different kind of intimacy, history and future. I feel the same way about the “grown-ups” at my church, and I am so glad to have an extended family of babies, teenagers, parents, grandparents and great-grandparents with whom I can share this walk.

I had a panic attack today. In class. The security associate that came to help me with a minor confrontation I had with a student instead began speaking very disrespectfully to me. I guess on a normal day I would have vented my frustration later to Tim or someone. Today I lost it. I think it was a build-up over the end-of-the-year anxiety and the earlier issue with the student. Anyway, I taught the students to say “Esto es el colmo” (This is the last straw). All of that while hyperventilating.

As they often do in crisis, the students used this opportunity to pull out their good sides. They brought me tissues, assured me that they were similarly appalled at the beating I just took, went to fetch someone to watch my class, voluntarily began reviewing their worksheet while I sat in the hallway breathing into a paper bag. The guy who pulled the class together to read the worksheet reminded me that in our first of three years together, he was rude to me, too (as in, “look how far we’ve come”). Another made me a paper crane with the words “People are just people” written on its wings.

Reminds me of two things. One, of all the parts about teaching, the students are the best. I think I actually am cut out to be a person who loves people, and I hope that is what missionary work will look like for me. Second, I’m glad I only have 13 days left of school.

While we live on earth, suffering with joy, not gratitude in wealth, is the way the worth of Jesus shines most brightly.... You cannot show the preciousness of a person by being happy with his gifts.... What proves that the giver is precious is the glad-hearted readiness to leave all his gifts to be with him. --John Piper, from Let the Nations Be Glad!

Today I'm not so concerned with whether I agree with Piper or not, but I am reminded that God is pleased both by my gratitude and my willingness to give up what I have. Here's my inventory of 20 things I appreciate in my life that I will also gladly leave behind to move to Peru.

good health care almost at my doorstep
automatic transmission
having most of my family nearby
clean home, clean city, clean life
Cantina 1511's happy hour with $2 appetizers (weekly date for us)
King of Kings (I'm not even sure there is a church in Supe)
similarly, all of our friends here
Dairy Queen blizzards
my sweet and safe neighborhood
a time-aware culture (this is huge for me)
my Damariscotta pottery collection
privacy and space
being immersed in a culture where I understand the rules
stores that sell clothes that fit me and are made from soft fabric
the public library
my precious home
Amazon Super Saver Shipping
NPR (maybe I can listen online)
all of the green here (although Supe is coastal, it's also desert)
my mom's beach house

Well my thoughts have been far from school this weekend. Saturday morning our minister Jon Shuler announced to the gathered leaders of our church that he has been asked by our bishops to move to Jacksonville, FL to serve as senior pastor of Grace Anglican Church. While this was both unexpected and actually unwanted, he has submitted himself to what he believes to be God’s plan. Jon planted our church in 2000 and has led us since that time. Needless to say, we (as a community) are shaken.

While we won’t be around for a lot of the changes ahead, they are still shaking me deeply as well. In 2003, when I decided not to leave immediately following graduation for missionary work in Latin America, I made that decision in part because I wanted a strong sense of being sent from a community. These past four years have brought me to a place where I do feel connected and supported. But what will it look like to be sent from a community with no leader? Or one with a leader I don’t even know? In the next few months of turmoil for our church, I fear that no one will notice us leaving.

I want this mission to be an extension of the missionary heart of our church. I want this to be a congregational mission, with Tim and me on the front lines but many many others empowering and enabling our work. I want our mission to change the way Kings sees mission and to wrap people up in the missionary heart of God. I want this to be our most valuable contribution to Kings. And now I’m scared that it will go totally unnoticed by all save a few.

So far all I have done is talk and mope. Seeing that neither has helped, I suppose I ought to take my fears and insecurities and doubts to prayer. I feel like the guy in the Bible crying out “Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!” It’s another one of those nights where if this isn’t Real, if it doesn’t have a Real impact on my Real feelings and fears, then it’s worth nothing. I’m believing Him for Real tonight. Come through for me.

Show me your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my savior; and my hope is in you all day long. Psalm 25:4-5

It seems odd to me that my thoughts would be so preoccupied with school right now. I know that this time last year and the year before, I was much more interested in planning my summer vacations. My heart is moving closer and closer to Charlotte as our time to leave grows nearer. We have twenty or so school days left. Every morning I stand in the hall with my two hall duty buddies (Egbe the Francophile and Melanie the Thespian) and ponder the day to come. This morning I confessed my mixed feelings. On one hand, I was overcome with a gnawing resentment, which certainly flowed from something in me but at least was acting on threatening emails from parents, overly low shirts and short skirts on students, and general dissatisfaction with a mounting pile of paperwork and bureaucracy. On the other hand, I was moved with compassion as students came by to update me on life situations, turn in remarkably good projects, and ask me how “Mr. Murray” (who had been out sick for two days) was doing.

Three distinct situations have come up in the last week to give me the impression that my time here has been meaningful. None of them have anything to do with Spanish, and to be honest, I have serious doubts about my effectiveness in foreign language instruction over these three years. Nonetheless, my interactions with two students and a colleague over these two weeks have impressed on me that the work I have done has gone beyond my allotted 90 minutes every other day. Have they heard me listening? Has my life been an example? Do they know that I care about them and pray for them and long to see the darkness in their lives redeemed to the light? I think so. At least a few.

I hesitate to draw lessons from what is going on. Generally I’m too quick to decide exactly what it is that God is teaching me in the circumstances of my life. Maybe it’s nothing. But I doubt it. So whether these are the lessons intended or not, they are the lessons digested.

Listen.

Wait.

Learn.

Wait.

Be real.

Be kind.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Did applying to college take this long? I just wrote a 4 page, single spaced "life sketch." And a mission vision statement. Outlined a "plan for salvation." And wrote a doctrinal defense of GOD, the Person and Work of Christ, and Salvation. That last part is a little bit misleading. South America Mission gave me a paragraph for each describing their interpretation of what the Bible says about those topics (and others). I just split their paragraph up into individual statements and listed where the Bible said each. I'm not sure that was the assignment, but hopefully they won't send it back to me for revision.

In the end, the doctrinal defense was the best part! Tim and I have been dreading it for a couple of weeks now, but when it came down to it, I think we were so emotionally exhausted from the other part, that a simple assignment that didn't require much thought was nice. Even if it was somewhat tedious. My thought is that they want to make sure you're serious. Surely all of this paperwork turns some people away!

Tim is at the doctor getting shots for Peru, and I am here at home tying up some loose ends. There are so many. The hardest part right now is winding down at school. I've never really been good at closure. I remember the summer (1999) I worked at camp for 9 weeks. I met a girl there who turned out to be a "kindred spirit" for the summer- Caylin Spear. She was a great friend to me, and at the end of the summer, not knowing how to say goodbye, I just sort of waved, got in my car, and took off. I don't think I spoke to her for a few more weeks. It didn't go over so well. (If you're bored, google this girl's name. She is a one-legged surfing phenomenon. I'm not kidding.)

I'm not worried about how to leave friends (because I know I will stay in touch with them), but I don't really know how to leave my students and colleagues. I would like to end the year in a way that honors them and the time I have spent with them, particularly since I have walked with some of them for three years now. And at the same time, there's no sense hyping up what isn't there. Something to ponder.

Every other morning, from 7:15 until 8:45 am, eight girls and I gather to discuss Laura Esquivel's Como agua para chocolate (Like Water for Chocolate) and share snacks. Today it was mud-pie cookies, homemade by Caitlin. Glynis is making coffee cake for Tuesday.

The class is chaotic to say the least. Eight 15-18 year old girls have a lot to say, and most of it doesn't have anything to do with Tita, Rosaura, and the other characters in our book. Then there are moments when the dream Olivia had last night or the strange man Sophia encountered at work pop right up into the text and somehow the story is more relevant and more real because of it.

I've stopped envisioning the class as I did and begun to accept the "advisory group" that is emerging around those tables. Some days I feel like I'm leading a girls' support group- support for your life, which at that age seems to be nearly impossible. There will be other teachers to drill the subjunctive with them, but when again will Laura have another chance like this? And when will I?

Hopefully sooner rather than later. I see now how this class is preparing me from what is to come- preparing me to listen instead of talk all the time, to let go of a little control and receive what is happening. It's preparing me to value each of Ali and Claire's questions as precious, even when they seem silly. It's preparing me to really hear what Zoe is saying about her Israeli and Russian family, and take it in as a priceless key to understanding not just her but those who come to the table with a unique cultural perspective.

Thank you, my sweet girls, for what you are teaching me about Peru without knowing it, and for the meaning you add to my days. And thank you, Lord, for the gift you are giving me in them.

Yesterday our friends Mark and Jessica came over for lunch. We sat out on the porch for three hours talking about what we could do to reach out to people in our neighborhood- lend a helping hand where needed, offer connection and community, cast vision and hope for lives that crave it. Strange timing since Tim and I only expect to be in our house maybe four more months.

This is a strange season all together. I am preparing for ministry. But how can I read these books about loving people and hold back from trying to put into practice everything I am learning? Why would I want to try to hold back? It certainly makes me lament time wasted. I know if I intended to stay in Charlotte, I would be bursting with ideas right now about how to pray "thy Kingdom come, thy will be done in Charlotte as it is in Heaven" with my hands and not just my lips.

Well let me not waste these four months. Last night Tim and I visited a handful of homes on our street and invited people to come over Wednesday night for drinks and discussion. It was the first time that we have done anything like that together (reaching out to new friends), and as socially-challenged as we are, we were nervous wrecks as we left the house. At the same time, there was a fresh excitement about something new and bold and lovely.

PS- We labeled our gathering "Deep Thoughts" on our invitation. Here's the "deep thought" we included to get the mind flowing:

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect." -Jack Handy

The mobilization director at South America Mission recently gave me a "to do" list. This, of course, was at my request, since we're not even appointed and won't be until the end of June (and even that contingent on approval). Anyway, I've been busy. First of all, he recommended an online theological program called Dimensions of the Faith through Gordon Conwell. It basically is the lectures for ten standard seminary courses- free, online, and not for credit. So far I have completed four of them. The first one was my favorite- How to Study the Bible for All Its Worth with Dr. Gordon Fee. It's based on a book he wrote, which I have since bought and would definitely recommend.

He also recommended a list of books, most of which I have never heard of. A whole new niche of Christian literature! Missions! I was pretty shocked (and excited) by my total ignorance of the field. I started at the top of the list with The Purpose Driven Church by Rick Warren. That one I have heard of. You might have too, because the same guy wrote an explosively popular book recently called The Purpose Driven Life. In my arrogance I have avoided it at all costs. Well I was skeptical, to say the least, but I have been duly humbled. It is fascinating, down-to-earth, and provocative. I have been wearing out Tim's ears with my mental digestion.

My biggest question (half way through the book) regards the purpose of my own church, King of Kings. I could easily explain the expressed purpose of the church, but I want to see the season where that becomes the manifest purpose as well, where it's clear to everyone around what our purpose is- without reading it on the church newsletter. I know that if I were staying in Charlotte I would want to be part of working toward that, but I feel like my energies need to be focused right now on my transition from Charlotte. So at the end of my pondering aloud to Tim last night, all that remained for us to do was to pray. And we did.

As for the rest of my list, I don't know more than to start at the top and go down the list. Here it is, if you're interested. Maybe you're more familiar with them than I am:

The Church of Irrisistible Influence, Lewis

The New Global Mission, Escobar

Discipling Nations, D. Miller

If Jesus Were Mayor, Moffitt

Mission as Transformation, Samuel & Sugden, eds.

Cross-Cultural Servanthood, D. Elmer

Ministering Cross-Culturally, Lingenfelter & Mayers

L.A.M.P. (Language Acquisition Made Practical)

Foundations of the Christian Faith, Boice

Know the Truth, Bruce Milne

Run With the Horses, E. Peterson

Hearing God, Dallas Willard

Who am I that He would give me a second chance at this? As I have been reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Life Together, I feel like I can relate my previous clumsy attempts at “Christian ministry” so closely to his description of the human community. I remember how my best love came out more like manipulation. I talked my head off as though I had something important to say, and even my listening was a weak space to re-gather my thoughts and assert my judgments again. Bonhoeffer’s exposition of the contrasts are striking:

Human Community (though often religious)	Christian Brotherhood
1. Comes from the natural urges, powers, and capacities of the human spirit	Created only by the Holy Spirit
2. Basis is the dark, turbid urges and desires of the human mind: desire	Basis is the clear, manifest Word of God in Jesus Christ: truth
3. Men bind others to themselves	God’s Word alone is binding
4. Complete fusion of I and Thou	Releases the other person from every attempt of mine to regulate, coerce, and dominate him with my love
5. Love for my own sake	Love for Christ’s sake
6. Loves as one to whom I bind myself; desire to be irresistible, to rule	Loves you as a free person
7. Makes love an end in itself, to which it must subject everything	Comes from Jesus Christ, serves Him alone
8. Constructs its own image of the other person, of what he is and should become	Recognizes the true image of the other person which he has received from Jesus Christ
9. Speaks to the brother about Christ	Speaks to Christ about the brother
10. Creates human subjection , dependence, constraint	Creates freedom of the brethren under the Word

Lord, grant me the favor to mold and receive Christian brotherhood. Protect me from the lure of power and certainty. Usher me into a ministry of freedom and Spirit-love. I know by now that it’s not my natural instinct. Birth in me something new. For the sake of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Eight weeks left of school or so. I am eager to rush through this last quarter, and then I remember that I don't know what lies on the other side of June 13. What will this next season be like? And what does that mean for this one? Maybe I shouldn't rush through quite so quickly. In a few months, I might be longingly looking back at the stability and purpose of this spring.

What am I doing right now anyway? My heart is fully set on our mission, and although I believe it will be with SAM in Peru, there is no guarantee of that at this point. I feel disconnected and lost, although not lonely. The waiting is hard on my heart.

In the meantime I am reading and learning. That makes it sound peaceful, but I would more likely compare it to a tornado. It's an unfortunate part of my mind, that knowledge to me seems more like something to devour than to digest. So I've spent a lot of time thoughtlessly whipping through pages. Have I learned anything in all of this? Maybe one thing.

"What is most personal is most general." --Henri Nouwen
What do I have to offer to Peruvians but myself? I don't know their culture, and I haven't mastered their language. I don't know what it looks like to live a life of fullness and faith in Peru. But I know what it looks like to be me, to struggle through sand, to come out sometimes on top and sometimes not. The things that seem most specific to me, that I fear no one will really understand, may in fact be the only things I have to offer that are relevant. After all the cultural trappings are stripped away, only the most intimate things are left to bind us together as humans beyond nationality or ethnicity or language.