We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who in every respect has been tested as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:15-16

I've been bathing in these verses this morning. I find myself facing a lot of weaknesses, unable to ignore or deny them these days. It is good to know that He understands. Better yet is the message that although I want to hide and don't feel adequate to come to God, He invites me to approach His throne, a throne of grace and not judgment, with boldness. It is there that I will find what I'm looking for in this time of need-- the mercy and grace I don't feel like I can give myself these days.

Tim trekked over to the airport today, did his cargo shipment research (Ellie), and bought our tickets to fly to Pucallpa! We have a morning flight on Thursday. Things don't usually work out the way they're supposed to around here, but I'm still hoping that we'll have a bed to sleep on in our new house on Thursday night. In the meantime, we're watching Season 1 of Alias, playing Sequence, dealing with dogs, and still cooking. It's been a relaxing week.

Our meal planning has had some new requirements since we've been here. We're in transition, we're staying in someone else's house (they're away), and we're in a city where we tend to spend way too much money! These meals kind of remind me of what I might fix if I rented a beach house for a week. Maybe they'll give someone a hint for their summer vacation.

Talk about limbo-- here we are in Lima for an unknown period of time with one suitcase, two dogs, and a lot of feelings that we don't understand. Actually it's three dogs if you include our friends' yellow lab, Max.

Staying at the Chapman's house has been a tremendous blessing in so many ways. The SAM guest house is perfectly nice, but it's not a home. Here we have some semblance of normalcy as we walk through our days, doing laundry, cooking meals, managing our pack of dogs, buying things at the corner stores, enjoying the park. We're so grateful to the Chapmans and to God for providing this refuge and solace.

Hiding between all the normal daily activities are a host of confusing and powerful emotions that I don't know quite how to sort through. It seems surreal that we've left Puerto Supe with no particular plan of returning. The people that have made up my life and work for the past 14 months are still there, and I'm not. My calendar told me today that I'm supposed to go lead our discipleship course, but I'm not going. I wonder if the participants are going. I wonder what they're doing in this moment and how it's turning out.

I feel relief about leaving and guilty about that sense of relief. I see all my failures of the past year so clearly, and I'm tempted to push them away. Surely it was someone else's fault. Surely I did the best I could, right? And yet I have a gnawing feeling that I didn't do my best. It feels terrible. I'm not particularly sad about leaving, and I'm sad about that indifference.

For now, I'm going to give myself the freedom not to explore these emotions too deeply, but I know I will need to soon enough. I'm glad we're headed to Pucallpa, and I hope that the community of missionaries there will be willing and able to help guide us through this fog. Pray for us in the meantime. We love and miss you all.

PS- Another dog photo? I know.... But what else do I have to photograph these days? Here's Ellie supervising the food preparation.

This excursion was really more fun than I could handle in one day. I've heard that Lima has the largest Chinese population of any city in South America. We got egg rolls, those little sesame seed buns with bean curd (yum!), an assortment of Chinese food groceries, and an amazing gag gift for someone for Christmas. There was also something entertaining about being Americans in a Chinese area of Peru. Love it.

This place is huge!

Not just food-- you can get EVERYTHING here.
Baby goats.
Sit down and have some lunch!
Quail eggs.
I wonder if the nuns decided to buy a turkey or not.

PS Looks like we will be here another week (at least). There's a strike on the road to Pucallpa that is keeping traffic from passing. Maybe by then Taza won't look so much like a wet rat? Doubtful.

Paul Bunyan Cookies
from Martha Stewart

Ingredients:

1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

We'll be moving into this house in a week or two. 85+ F all year round and no air conditioning, but otherwise just fine. As we keep reminding ourselves, we can do anything for 10 months.

This is not a still-life painting. It's marzipan that I bought at San Antonio's. Isn't it lovely? What I'm really bummed about is that I didn't buy the marzipan potato the size of a toddler's fist. When else will I have a chance to buy a giant marzipan potato?! What was I thinking? This would fit into the "You know you're in Peru when...." category.

What a day.

Here´s what I bought:

• 1 dog crate for Taza
• 3 lbs each: almonds, walnuts, pecans (the latter not being available in Pucallpa)
• 1 lb cashews!! (haven´t seen these for 18 months)
• 1 pair of doggie nail clippers and one brush
• 2 huge rolls of plastic for wrapping furniture
• 2 foam crib mattresses and 1 "Moses" mattress (dog beds)
• 1 used fridge, almost (buying it in the morning)
  
• 325 medical thingies-- an assortment of syringes and needles
• 4 veterinary medicines, bought wholesale at the lab

It was a crazy 7 hours. Imagine the central market zone that serves Lima´s 10 million inhabitants. That´s where we were. I never knew how much you could buy in Lima. Everything! The best part of the day was getting the veterinary medicines.

Our housekeeper is the Puerto Supe amateur veterinarian (eek) and is going to try to expand her business when we leave. We told her we would look into wholesale prices in Lima. She showed us the medicines she uses, and they happened to have an address and phone number right on them! We went to work this morning, but the address was a no-go. Tim called from a phone place and ended up talking to the owner of the laboratory. He gave us the new address and we were off.

When we arrived at the address, it was basically a huge closed garage door in an industrial zone. We rang the bell and someone poked his head out. It´s a good thing we had already spoken to the manager and could throw out his name. I´m pretty sure they wouldn´t have let us in otherwise. As we made our way through the building, I realized that there was no logo anywhere, nothing on sale, no indication that this was any kind of company. Clearly they weren´t expecting clients.

As it turns out, the lab just sells to distributors, and you have to buy nearly $2,000 of products to be a distributor. Not in our budget. We talked more with this super friendly owner, and quickly move into a friendship of sorts, which is the basis for all Peruvian business. He gave us a tour, we oohed and aahed over his high class products and quality lab, and before long we were talking about his grandchildren.

By the end of the meeting, we left with a decent supply of veterinary products bought at super super low prices. We were able to cut out two middle men (the distributor and the local supply store) and buy straight from our new friend. There was even a hint that in the future, he might consider letting our housekeeper do the same.

To me, it was a miracle. I left with a clear sense that God was blessing our steps and paving the way for good things in the future, too. The whole episode was completely extra-ordinary and absolutely beautiful.

This is the kind of work that we wanted to do all along-- networking for the benefit of others, helping people with initial investments on business ventures, financing their own ideas for microenterprises, etc. I´m pretty sure Tim´s pale eyes, skin, and hair helped the whole deal. He´s a pretty curious site around here. Who wouldn´t want to talk to him?!

This is a remarkable gift to us as we close our ministry in Puerto Supe. I think it will make a difference for the long haul. If you pray, keep our housekeeper in your prayers. She´s a second generation single mom with a lot of creativity, an amazing work ethic, and a new faith that is changing her life.

Dave, the SAM field director for Peru, came to take us and some of the church leaders out for lunch on Friday. Another SAM missionary and pastor in Pucallpa was also able to join him. It was a big encouragement for us and for our friends. Beyond a good time, we were so grateful for their help in sorting through some of the loose ends here and cheering the church leaders on as they undertake the task ahead of them.

At lunch we learned something new: there is in fact a good restaurant in the area. It's in Barranca, the next town over, but I think we would have been VIP customers if we had known about this a year ago!

The restaurant is semi-famous (we had heard of it before actually) for creating a particular Peruvian dish, tacu-tacu, which you can see in the photo below. It's two cakes of mashed beans and rice with seafood in the middle. DELISH!! And probably even more scrumptious was the flounder ceviche we had beforehand. I'll be going back before we leave for sure.


Interestingly enough, this restaurant is owned by the uncle of our landlords. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Everyone is related in some way around here-- by law or affinity if not by blood.

Here's what I have left:
1 pair of heels
1 old broom
1 skirt

Today's yard sale was a rare event if not a first. People here don't move, don't have much stuff anyway, and love to squirrel away anything they can get their hands on. I think those same factors made my yard sale especially successful.

I've been setting aside things I don't want for a week or so, but the idea of having a yard sale was really a last minute decision (last night). I'd been dreading the difficulty of getting rid of this stuff, but as it turned out, this was the easiest yard sale in history. In a walking culture where word of mouth is a regular news source, I only had to notify about 5 people, and we were bombarded for the next 4 hours. Really. It was that easy.

By lunchtime, we made $410 selling furniture and $55 on random other stuff. I didn't know there was that much cash in Puerto Supe. Best of all, I'm left with an empty house! I still have almost everything we'll need for Pucallpa, but I'm so glad to get this out of the way. We're tentatively planning on moving June 23, and I'm glad to have less stuff to look at as I pack.

While we didn't sell most of the stuff at rock-bottom prices, there were some pretty good deals made at my house today. I hope our things will be a blessing to others. And the next time someone comes to minister in Puerto Supe, I think they should start their ministry with a yard sale. It was a great way to meet new people and make friends!

This morning we were awakened by a loud and persistent knocking on the door. Fearing that we had overslept and it was our boss (who arrived today from Lima), Tim rushed to see. It was a stranger, kindly pointing out that our key was in the door. It had been there all night.

I think this is at least the tenth time someone has come to the door to tell me this (although usually it's after ten minutes, not all night). Clearly Tim and I both need to work on being safer and more mindful. Nonetheless, I think it says something wonderful about the community we live in. We never feel unsafe.

We live sandwiched between the city hall and the judge. We have a 120 lb slobbering dog. We stand out, and people are watching us (to help, not to hurt). We serve a sovereign God. All of those factors play into our safety, but I don't want to leave out the fact that we live in a town of generally good folks. I'm grateful for that.

It's awesome.

Beyond recipes, this book is filled with pithy charts and lists, inspiring introductions, and more ideas that I will be able to implement for a long time. After a 18-month Moosewood obsession, it's good to have some fresh influences (not that I'm ready to give up on Moosewood).

So I'm inspired. I've been cooking up a storm, and I think an outlet for my creative juices is calming some of the anxious energy that's been plaguing me recently.

If I didn't know it before I moved to South America, I know it now: I love cooking.

• I love starting with the things I have and figuring out what I can make out of them.
  
• I love trying to make things you can buy premade (peanut butter, mayonnaise, all kinds of sauces and dressings).
  
• I love reusing leftovers in new ways.
  
• I love exploring new ingredients, although kasha wasn't the biggest hit at our table.
  
• I love planning the menu.
  
• I love arranging the food on the plate so that it's beautiful and enticing.
  
• I love that Tim loves my cooking and receives all this effort as a gift. It's a gift I love to give.
  

Someday I'll have children (I hope) and probably won't have time to spend planning menus, doing daily shopping at the market, cooking new meals every day, or (and this is the kicker) cleaning up afterward. Until then, I'm keeping myself busy and happy in the kitchen.

We are smack in the middle of our transition down here in Puerto Supe. The Cubases are leaving for Lima this afternoon and then for Florida tomorrow. We are beginning to sort through our own belongings, pre-packing you might say.

At our church service last night, we introduced the new (interim) pastor, a youngish guy from the First Baptist Church of Barranca. He seems engaging, gospel-centered, and enthusiastic. I was reminded again of the faithfulness of God, that He has a plan for these precious people and won't abandon them.

Kyle (who worked in Puerto Supe for 15 months) is here to visit before returning to attend graduate school at Emory. It's fun to have a friend around, adding something new to the conversation, making cards more fun, and genuinely understanding what we're going through. He moved from Puerto Supe to Pucallpa this time last year, so we have a lot in common.

As we continue to invest in the people here, we're looking ahead as well. Tim has been doing some great work (if you ask me) with the South America Mission staff resources webpage, as well as dabbling in journalism, Facebook fan pages, and various other endeavors. We're both happy to have him busy and using his brain.

I'm working with our housekeeper to help her brainstorm and research ideas for future income. So far we've got her unofficial veterinary business, a potencial key copying industry (currently not available in Puerto Supe), making desserts to sell, and going in with her sister's "fast food" business in the evenings. Sounds promising to me.

The stress is still high, but I think our spirits are lifting as well.

You will persevere even when you are tempted to quit. Endurance, forbearance, long-suffering, patience, and perseverance are on every biblical list of the character traits of the new heart. They all involve doing what is right even when the Heat remains. Are there any places in your life where you are tempted to give up, run away, or quit? Lane and Tripp, How People Change

This is the kind of text that has haunted me for the past six months and called me back every time I wanted to slip away from the hard places. Now that we are leaving Puerto Supe, I don't think it's as quitters. It's the right decision, and moving to Pucallpa is far from giving up. Believe me, if I were running away, it wouldn't be to join the mosquitoes in the jungle!

Nonetheless, these words challenge me so deeply in our transition. My body is cracking under the stress, and I have a very long moving "to do" list. At the same time, my work here isn't over, and the way I live out these last few weeks matters. I want to hide, to give into my delusion that my life is about me and my comfort and health, to avoid all awkward moments.

I know our work here is worth more than that. "Leaving poorly" could really do some damage, and although it seems out of my reach tonight, "leaving well" could probably do a lot of good. Jesus is worth it. I'm grateful for the Holy Spirit's conviction and eager for His power in my life.

• The city was founded in the 1840s.
• It was isolated from the rest of the country (by jungle and mountains) until a highway was built in 1945!
• The bus ride from Lima to Pucallpa is something like 20 hours (thank goodness for airplanes).
• Our move will be the same distance as moving from Charlotte to New York City (~650 miles).
• The city is on the banks of the Ucayali River, a major tributary to the Amazon. 
• There are two seasons: dry (April-Oct) and wet (Nov-March). 
• The average maximum temperature for every month of the year is 90 F or higher.
• It is not a major tourist destination but is the capital of its province and definitely a local hub. 
• The main industry is logging.
• The word "Pucallpa" means "red dirt" in Quechua (Peru's second national language).
• Pucallpa is the end of the road. After Pucallpa, the only way to keep traveling into the jungle is by boat or airplane. 

I'm bedridden.

Last night Grace was telling me about a Tony Evans sermon she heard recently on Psalm 23. Evans talked about how we have to "lie down" to get to the "he restores my soul" part. If we're unwilling, God is going to make us lie down one way or the other. While Grace was talking about what she was learning from the sermon, it turned out to be immediately prophetic for me.

I returned home from her house, and walking through the door, had a back spasm. Ouch. I've rarely slept so fitfully. There really was no position that felt even mildly comfortable. Today I can barely walk and am stuck in the bed. Sweet Tim is getting me medicine and cooking lunch.

This unprovoked back spasm is another in a growing list of physical manifestations to the stress I've been dealing with over the past month in particular. While my spirit is somewhat peaceful, my body isn't fooled.

Please keep us in your prayers during this season of transition and high anxiety!