Staying at the Chapman's house has been a tremendous blessing in so many ways. The SAM guest house is perfectly nice, but it's not a home. Here we have some semblance of normalcy as we walk through our days, doing laundry, cooking meals, managing our pack of dogs, buying things at the corner stores, enjoying the park. We're so grateful to the Chapmans and to God for providing this refuge and solace.
Hiding between all the normal daily activities are a host of confusing and powerful emotions that I don't know quite how to sort through. It seems surreal that we've left Puerto Supe with no particular plan of returning. The people that have made up my life and work for the past 14 months are still there, and I'm not. My calendar told me today that I'm supposed to go lead our discipleship course, but I'm not going. I wonder if the participants are going. I wonder what they're doing in this moment and how it's turning out.
I feel relief about leaving and guilty about that sense of relief. I see all my failures of the past year so clearly, and I'm tempted to push them away. Surely it was someone else's fault. Surely I did the best I could, right? And yet I have a gnawing feeling that I didn't do my best. It feels terrible. I'm not particularly sad about leaving, and I'm sad about that indifference.
For now, I'm going to give myself the freedom not to explore these emotions too deeply, but I know I will need to soon enough. I'm glad we're headed to Pucallpa, and I hope that the community of missionaries there will be willing and able to help guide us through this fog. Pray for us in the meantime. We love and miss you all.
PS- Another dog photo? I know.... But what else do I have to photograph these days? Here's Ellie supervising the food preparation.