Saturday night, in the middle of a coliseum full of people, I was overcome with a loneliness I had not experienced before. I began thinking of home and wondered what in the world I’m doing here anyway. All of the sudden I felt a strange and previously unknown wave of doubt regarding our calling and purpose. I started to think to myself, “Nothing will come of our time in Puerto Supe anyway. God won’t do anything with or through us.” By the next morning, my fears went global. Is God real anyway? When the Bible and the world around me don’t seem to align, which will I believe?

In the midst of my doubt, I looked to the Bible anyway. To whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, Lord. I read in 2 Kings 6 of a time when the prophet Elisha was surrounded by enemies (sent to impede his powerful work) and his servant was scared. Elisha prayed that the Lord would open the servant’s eyes, and all of the sudden the servant saw the armies of God filling the hills around them. Which will I believe: the weakness I see or the strength I don’t?

But what if the story is just a myth? My faith was fading fast and I didn’t know where to go. I ended up in Romans 10:17: Faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ. As I started to think about Christ, I turned a significant corner. Doubt only goes so far. I am absolutely convinced, on the other hand, of the historical truths about the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. And if everything I know about Him is true, the rest of the pieces start to fall into place.

Our pastor Pedro preached on Sunday morning that what matters about faith is not how much we have but in whom we have it, not how much I trust the chair to hold my weight, but how sturdy the chair anyway. The Lord is faithful, certain, true. He is not shaken by my doubts. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. As far as my doubts take me, He is with me. If I go up to the heavens, He is there; if I make my bed in the depths, He is there.

I spent Sunday afternoon searching the Scriptures, praying fervently, begging God to bring me home from this nightmare of sudden doubt. I saw clearly what some will never believe, that I was being attacked by Satan. The beautiful part is that as the Father of Lies was whispering fears into my heart, God was watching me come through the fire purified. It does not seem ironic to me now that all of this happened in the middle of my week studying the faithfulness of God or the night before Pedro’s sermon on faith. The Lord allowed this to happen when He knew I would have the resources to fight back.

I think I am on the other side of the danger, but I expect to come out not surviving but victorious. Hebrews 11 tells the stories of men and women “who through faith, conquered kingdoms… shut the mouths of lions… whose weakness was turned to strength, and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies.” I am still fighting, waiting to be added to the list of overcomers. I will conquer the kingdom of darkness as it attempts to conquer me. I will shut the mouth of Satan, the roaring lion seeking to devour me with his lies. I will let the Lord turn my weakness into strength. I will walk the road that makes of me a fighter, powerful in battle. As I fight back, I know it isn’t my faith but his reliability that sustains me. His faithfulness will be my shield.

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