One of the verses I memorized recently describes the character and behavior of a servant of God: He (or she) must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not prone to irritation. 2 Timothy 2:24 The verse has haunted me over the last week or maybe two as I feel rising in me the exact opposite: irritation, annoyance, crabbiness. Whatever word I choose, it's not pretty. Today was a particular roller coaster as I swung back and forth between frustration, desperation and repentance. I feel out of control.Some mixture of culture shock and the anxiety of transition is stealing my joy and peace. I don't know exactly how to battle this. Somewhere in my mess today, I felt a nudging to go spend time alone, although I'm not sure if that was my culture shock pushing me into the closet or the Holy Spirit pointing the way for me. Either way, I'm thinking of giving it a shot in the form of a silent retreat sometime this week.
I know above all that I don't want to arrive in Puerto Supe (in a little over a week) in this shape. I want to arrive in fullness, ready to overflow. I want to arrive with fresh words from God. I want to come filled with the Holy Spirit and His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. At the same time, I know that my emptiness brings me to a point of humility, brokenness and need, and that those are the seeds of beauty in the hands of the Lord.
As I come to the end of a fairly rotten day, I am ready to say that He is worth all of this and more. I will do what I can to position myself to receive His grace, but if it's brokenness He wants from me this week, I am willing. The message of Easter is that glory comes from pain and patience and emptiness.
Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts. Isaiah 26:8
