We had a super relaxing weekend away at Lake Titicaca, despite the two 6 hour bus rides. Saturday morning we went out on the lake to see the floating islands. They are part tourist trap I think, but since some of them don't allow visitors, they must be "for real" too. The inhabitants build the islands with layers upon layers of reeds. They say it takes about a year to build one and that the new ones are about 2 meters deep. They continue to pile on more reeds over time, so they grow to be much deeper. It's pretty amazing to think that people live out there without any amenities- electricity, running water, etc. Hey, it just occured to me that their drinking water is from the lake (not boiled either) but they also must use the lake for sewage (where else would it go?). Hmmmm.

Can you believe it? Davidson almost made it to the Final Four. They lost by 2 points to Kansas. Not too shabby. I expect the world will quickly forget about Davidson's athletic skills, but I doubt the memory of free laundry service will fade so fast. It seems to be mentioned in about every article and is far more unique and noteworthy I'd say.

As I prayed today, I tried to envision God in that very moment. Where is He? What does He look like? What is He doing? What is He thinking? I realized all of the sudden that I have no idea. I can imagine, but I don't want to. People all over the world are imagining God, making up someone to talk to. I want to know the real God, not one I imagine out of pictures I've seen, books I've read, the desires in my heart.

The whole concept has sort of thrown me for a loop today and left me a little lost. Is that all this is- imagination? Is God real or have I just imagined Him? Even as I ask the question, it seems ridiculous. I know all the right answers, but for some reason the questions won't go away. I think also that I'm not ready for them to go away, that I need to sit with them a little longer and see where they take me. I'm not scared of the questions, because part of me knows the answers already and knows that this God I'm banking my life on isn't threatened by my questions either. He'll bring me through this stronger.

I feel like I'm in first grade again, starting all over at this life of faith. What have I been doing for the last 8 years? Right now it seems like I've been learning a lot about God without knowing Him. Even to write that word- Him- startles me. I guess the word God has become familiar and easy from too much reading and writing. I am unsettled to remember that He is real, a person in one sense, and then again, not a person at all.

I'm remembering the first time I had a glimpse of transcendence, as I stood at the edge of Canyon de Chelly at 12 or so and wondered at such a vast expanse, space unending. I feel myself there again, standing at the edge of Mystery-- a little scared, shaken in to the depths of me, on the brink of tears because I don't have any other ideas for how to express this strange and penetrating emotion rising up inside me. If it takes my whole life, I want to know Him. Not to learn about God but to really know Him, the real One, to be caught up in this Mystery so far beyond what I can grasp with my mind.

It seems like anyone living in the US knows about my alma mater Davidson College by now. At least I've been getting emails about them from everyone I know- my brother, Dad, brother-in-law, college friends and the college itself. We always were a very proud bunch, so we take any chance we get to make ourselves known.

One of the ideas in the book The PAPA Prayer that I just read was that we need to be real about what the ideas in our head of what God looks like, and second, we need to change those ideas to match the reality expressed in the Bible. I've been thinking a lot about that today, and it hit me that Jesus says, "Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father" (John 14:9). To me that means that if I want to know what God is like, I need to pay attention to the character of the God-man Jesus. I started doing that today by reading the Message version of the Gospel of John and am enjoying it thoroughly. On verse that particularly struck me (since it addresses this very issue) was John 1:18: No one has ever seen God, not so much as a glimpse. This one-of-a-kind God-Expression, who exists at the very heart of the Father, has made him plain as day.

I also picked up another book today that I've been meaning to read for a while, Knowing God by J.I. Packer. It was funny how I was in the middle of praying that my heart would be focused on knowing God that I remembered the book. I bought it in October and just haven't had a moment to more than glance at it. Today is the day. I hope that it is a chance for me to adjust my vision of God to align more clearly with the truth and less with pictures I have seen in the past or what I wish God were like.

Above all, I am praying that I would approach knowing God as the priority in my life but not as another matter of study. I am so used to running after tangible goals that make me feel more valuable as a person for having achieved them. I don't want to "use" God that way. I just want to come to a place where I can know Him, not to improve my mental health or my reputation, but just for the sake of knowing Him.

On Monday, our language school principal told Tim that he would benefit from 4-8 more weeks of class. We agree, but at the same time, "student" is not Tim's favorite role in life. He's tired of going to class and ready to get to work. I think he is also realizing that he learns best by trial and error, which will serve him well as he continues this process in Puerto Supe. Having discussed our departure date with his teachers and the principal, he decided to stay this week (as planned) plus one more. Our new schedule is as follows:

• Visit nearby Puno/Lake Titicaca this weekend
• One last week of class next week
• Visit nearby Colca Canyon next weekend
• Flight to Lima followed by bus to Puerto, both Sunday April 6

The two weekend trips are pretty essential. There are "local" attractions that we hadn't gotten around to visiting, but more than that, we are so antsy to go that we just don't know how well we'd do sitting around in our room all weekend. Lake Titicaca, by the way, is the highest navigable lake in the world and the largest lake in South America. Colca Canyon is about twice as deep as the Grand Canyon. Both should be pretty fascinating.

We are ready to go but also content with the decision to stay another week. Tim is working hard on fine tuning a few things in class, and I am spending my days at home in personal retreat- resting, reading, praying. It probably sounds bizarre that I need this, but somehow I was just worn out. I think more than anything I needed the intentionality of retreat. I want to arrive in Puerto Supe rested, full, and ready. I feel that happening more and more each day as I purposefully set aside time for renewal.

Here are the people currently living in our house.

• Julio, our host dad
• Miriam, our host mom
• Daniela, our host sister
• Pablo, our host brother (our other host brother Diego is 10 days married and living down the street with his bride)
• Abuelita, our host grandmother
• Joni, one of the two housekeepers
• Miriam, a German missionary and fellow student
• Sandra, another German missionary and fellow student
• Robert, an English medical student and friend of the host family
• Joseph, Robert's brother and also friend of the host family
• Me
• Tim
• Lula the other housekeeper and her daughter Andrea, who don't actually live here but are here at least 9 hours a day

Today all but Sandra, Tim and I were gone. Joni was at school (which she attends in the afternoon) and the rest were at a funeral. When they left, Julio was sure to tell us that we were the only ones in the house. They bolted the door. I realized at that point that in the five months we've lived here, I've never known the house to be left all alone. The closest it ever comes is on Sunday morning, when a specific 3rd housekeeper comes to guard the place while everyone is at church.

Is this paranoia or wisdom? In the US, I know at least one person (unnamed to protect her valuables) who doesn't even lock her door when she leaves the house unattended. And here we are bolting the door four times when there are 3 people and 2 dogs left in a house also guarded by walls with broken glass on top.

I suppose I'm so quick to laugh because I haven't been robbed yet. More cultural tidbits to digest. After our 5 months here, I am coming to the point where I know what to expect a little more, but I definitely don't feel like I understand it.

I checked myself in at a B&B this morning for a 24 hr personal retreat. I was a little nervous about the solitude, really. I wanted it so desperately but also knew that it would leave me vulnerable without any of my usual distractions. In the first 10-20 minutes, it occured to me that my room was awfully dark. While that would be lovely for sleeping, it doesn't make a great setting to read all day. I decided to switch rooms (a little sad because it meant losing a great bathtub). 10-20 minutes later, I realized that the noise from outside was insurmountable. I thought about getting a CD player and putting on some music or maybe buying some earplugs. Then I realized that if I needed to do something like that, it didn't make for much of a retreat. Might as well go home and read in my bedroom. And I did.

I'm sure that much of the distraction is internal, my own thoughts and anxieties jumping up within me. I am hoping to try again on the retreat, in a different spot next time. From my bedroom at home, though, I actually had a surprisingly retreat-y day today. I read Larry Crabb's new book The PAPA Prayer, which has left me with some fresh perspective about who I am, who God is, and how we fit together. I feel hopeful about the coming week, positive about the direction I am moving in with the Lord, and a little bit renewed in my vision, emotions, and spirit.

One of the verses I memorized recently describes the character and behavior of a servant of God: He (or she) must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not prone to irritation. 2 Timothy 2:24 The verse has haunted me over the last week or maybe two as I feel rising in me the exact opposite: irritation, annoyance, crabbiness. Whatever word I choose, it's not pretty. Today was a particular roller coaster as I swung back and forth between frustration, desperation and repentance. I feel out of control.

Some mixture of culture shock and the anxiety of transition is stealing my joy and peace. I don't know exactly how to battle this. Somewhere in my mess today, I felt a nudging to go spend time alone, although I'm not sure if that was my culture shock pushing me into the closet or the Holy Spirit pointing the way for me. Either way, I'm thinking of giving it a shot in the form of a silent retreat sometime this week.

I know above all that I don't want to arrive in Puerto Supe (in a little over a week) in this shape. I want to arrive in fullness, ready to overflow. I want to arrive with fresh words from God. I want to come filled with the Holy Spirit and His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. At the same time, I know that my emptiness brings me to a point of humility, brokenness and need, and that those are the seeds of beauty in the hands of the Lord.

As I come to the end of a fairly rotten day, I am ready to say that He is worth all of this and more. I will do what I can to position myself to receive His grace, but if it's brokenness He wants from me this week, I am willing. The message of Easter is that glory comes from pain and patience and emptiness.

Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts. Isaiah 26:8

Highlights of our beach trip:

• the beach (I forgot how much I love it)
• boys digging a very deep hole
• Taza meets a 4-month-old mastiff
• shrimp fisherman in a bikini
• spending time with our friends (Peruvian, American, German, Norweigan, and English)

Yesterday during Tim’s dentist appointment with our host dad (the dentist), Taza and I went to the Plaza de Armas to take some photos of the Semana Santa procession. She was a little freaked out and trembling, but I was thrilled (by the procession, not the trembling). Afterward I tried to let her walk around on her new leash in the park but quickly found out that dogs are not allowed in the park. Interestingly enough, they are allowed in restaurants, so we went to hang out at our favorite coffee shop, Cuzco Coffee Company, to wait for Tim. It’s something like the Peruvian version of Starbucks. Taza slept on my lap while I read my new book about Oscar Romero, the Salvadoran bishop martyred for his work on behalf of the poor. Fascinating.


Our friend David finished language school yesterday and is heading off to get started flying missionaries and tribal people around the jungle. For his last hoorah we are going to a nearby beach this week and returning on Saturday. I’m looking forward to beach camping, sun bathing, and seeing Taza’s reaction to the ocean.

We also are heading out soon. Next week will be our last at language school. We’re hoping after that to take a few days to visit Lake Titicaca and Colca Canyon, two big attractions of the area that somehow we never got around to seeing. Our plan is to be in Puerto Supe sometime in the first week of April.