One of our first days here at CIT, we learned about the stages and stresses of the transition process. We begin by leaving, pulling away from relationships, relinquishing old roles. The liminal stage of transition is characterized by chaos and anxiety, exaggerated problems and behaviors, self-centeredness, fear, grief. In less than 3 weeks, we will find ourselves entering into a new culture, marginally and superficially at first, uncertain of our roles, tentative to accept what is happening around us. Finally we will re-engage in the new place, unpack the "me" inside that American suitcase and let myself out into Peru. I will make a choice to settle there, a choice to connect to the culture. I'm not sure where we are in that process. Somewhere in between leaving and transition, since we have already left our home, jobs, and routines.

This week I have felt a heightened anxiety that I can only attribute to the transition. Tim asks me, "What are you so anxious about?" I don't have an answer. There are no specific worries in my mind, but I know from what we learned here that my reaction is normal and okay. Tim doesn't "get" that, but he's willing to believe me anyway. I feel myself growing irritable over small things and raging over only slightly larger things. I am restless (and have pretty much knitted an entire blanket in the last week). I am tired.

I am nervous about this next stage, particularly the idea that we will be in Arequipa for an indefinite period of time over which I will have absolutely no control. Will Tim dedicate himself to learning Spanish in the way I want him to? How will I react if he doesn't? How can I let go of my demands and expectations? What will I do with 3, 4, 6, 8, however many months we will spend in Arequipa waiting for Tim to feel competent in his language ability? How will I know to what degree I should commit myself to this city and culture and people if I don't know how long I will be there?

We will board our plane for Peru in 19 days. Between now and then all I know to do is to bring myself exposed before God and ask Him to take care of this mess I'm in.

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