The short-term team visiting this week is off to Lima tomorrow afternoon/evening. As they prepare to head back into "the real world," I've been hearing snipets of conversations about what they left behind and all they hope to return to. One girl said that although it might sound silly, she misses her family. In the car tonight, they talked about a longing to be back at their church, singing songs they know in their own language and their own style.

My heart is heavy. I know what it means to miss my family, my language, and my church. Longing has become a familiar feeling. I think the hardest of it is the sense of hopelessness pulling on my spirit, the realization that "home" is still a very long way off.

Even as I write, I'm hearing all the counter-arguments in my head. I'm too tired for them today, too tired to be insincere or talk my way out of these tears. Tonight I think I just need to let these emotions of longing and loneliness wash over me and let God find real me where I really am.

2 comments

1. Anonymous on January 5, 2009 at 10:33 AM

   Yes, I think letting those feelings wash over you is just the right thing to do. I'm committing to entering the new year saying each day, "I consent"--to my life as it is, to God's will, to being open to what is to come without having to know what that is. God has been good to me so far and I'm pretty sure He will continue if I can just get out of the way and let Him do His job!
   
   Mom

    
2. Anonymous on January 6, 2009 at 7:43 AM

   Hannah, I've faithfully read and enjoyed your blog and your words of truthfulness to your self are so very powerful. I've often hoped this time you and Tim are spending in Peru is equally about seeking within as it is sharing with others. It's okay to decide at the end of this mission placement that home and family are where your spirit really wants to be. Maybe you are partially preparing for the time you and Tim may choose to become parents of a child??? Anyway, your writings of despair are words from your soul .... not from your intellect. God's gifts to us are strongest when we are willing to hear our soul's cryings and honor her voice. I am focusing on listening to my soul's yearnings, wails, and whisperings in 2009. I've found that my soul has a deep and special wisdom that my intellect can overshadow when I think too much. You are in my prayers daily, as you have been your entire life.
   Lots of love,
   Martha B