Mar
05
This week we've been in Lima for our annual SAM Peru field conference. It's always a great time to connect with others, hear about the awesome work that people are doing, and be challenged and encouraged by our keynote speaker (in English!). I love this community, and I love a scheduled time to get away for renewal. Yesterday the women got together to share some about how they've been and what's going on in their lives. Lots of tears of course and great stories. When it was my turn, I had nothing to say. Is that possible? As much of a talker as I am, I promise, I couldn't come up with one thing to share. I certainly surprised myself.
As the conference comes to an end, everyone is digesting what they've learned and giving some responses to it. Me? I'm totally ashamed to say it, but I don't really feel like I've learned anything. Unusual to say the least. Part of me feels disappointed. Another part relieved, as if I don't have space right now to have a new breakthrough in my life.
People keep asking how I'm doing, expecting that I would be stressed out or excited or something I guess about our imminent return to Charlotte, stepping into an English-speaking country for the first time in 2.5 years. Nope. Nothin'. I feel neutral, planar. Not sad to leave, happy but not excited necessarily about getting home. I can't seem to answer questions about what I'm most excited to leave or get home to.
What the heck is going on with me? I'm happy. I feel close to God. I'm learning new things. I feel loved by the community around me (here and at home). Tim and I are in a great season of our marriage. I feel peace throughout-- body, soul, and spirit. Actually, now that I think of, what's wrong with me that this feels so abnormal?!
Emotional stability has never been my strong point, and that's okay with me. I'm grateful for the roller coaster of tears and laughter, the way it makes me cling to the Lord and know Him deeply. I receive my passion and tenderness as a gift from Him and not a curse. I'm okay here, too, in this week where I'm surprisingly unmovable. Just a little baffled.
I wonder if this is some kind of denial about all that's about to happen, but honestly, after the last 15 years of introspection, counseling, and self-help books, I'm fairly self-aware. Denial seems unlikely given the total absence of hints about something underneath. Maybe God is giving me this season of peace in anticipation of what we're about to go though. Maybe I've already worked through a lot of it in the last 10 months in Pucallpa. Maybe there's another answer hidden in God. To Be Determined.
Keep me in your prayers as I seek to be present to what God is doing in my life!
Neutral? Maybe. In a place of peace and grace? Definitely. Let it be so lovely that you don't look at it with questions.
Shine, Hannah, Shine!
Love,
Martha